Written on Oct 2, 2022

September'22 was a month of heartbreak. 

For the first time after century (i think), i finally can confidently say that i'm liking a boy again in a romantical sense. Not that i'm not straight all these years, definitely not. It's just i find it hard and complicated to determine my feeling to someone. I've always have this complicated thoughts such as "I'm liking the talk and the attention, the fact that i have someone to talk to at the end of the day, but not the person." which kind of scare me out and made me think, what if all these issues that i have, make it hard for me to like a person? Because people seems like they don't have any problem to conclude their feeling as liking someone when it come to romantic relationship. 

Flash news, so I actually found the person that i genuinely like, like i really like him as a person in a romantical sense, in a sense that i really wish he could be and have to be the one, in a sense that he's still someone that i'd love to be with even with all his flaws (bcs duh, i also have many of it), in a sense that i find what seems to be his flaws tolerable (which is pretty hard for me to do in the previous talking stages), and in a sense that he makes me feel this 'calm' kind of feeling while at the same time making me feel all jittery. 

I really like the way he think, the way he talk, how soft-spoken he is, how considerate he is, how he always remember all the smallest detail, how considerate he is (yep i say this twice BECAUSE THATS HOW CONSIDERATE HE IS, to the point that i wish he could prioritize himself first and know that he deserves all the good things in life), the way we basically a mirror of each other (which kind of weird but we basically reflection of each other about many things, imo), the way he think (he think handsomely), the way he's someone who want to try to be a better person, the way he never force me to do things that i don't want to do, and the way he make feel all type of feelings. 

Sounds like a dream come true, but there's a catch. When things are at its best and at its peak, turn out that things cant develop more the way we hope it would be. 

It's been a month since the 'Hati-hati di Jalan' happened and i'm still here, trying to be logical that this couldn't work, but i cant lie that deep down in my heart, I am still wishing somehow this could work with Allah's best scenario. Deep down i still wish that He allow 'this' to happen in some way. 

But if this is it, and we really aren't meant for each other, then please make it easier for me to be able to accept this, to no longer have any lingering feelings towards him and the relationship, for me to feel okay again. 

This was written on the Oct 2, 2022. Patiently waiting for the follow-up post about this, in which the post already have a clearer situation of whatever this is.