Super personal but might also be great for you to read.

Do you know how does it feels like to be told the fact that you're not good looking, ugly and not deserving of anyone on daily basis, repetitively, by different people, constantly? 

I do.

I remember when i'm in junior high school, i used to be so close with this boy, in a romantical sense, but it was only a puppy love kind of relationship. And i remember there was this girl, a friend of mine, or should i call her my best friend at that time, whom all of sudden, unnecessarily said this to me, "kok dia mau ya sama lo?".

Yep. I remember it clear and sound. She may not remember it now, but i do and will always do. That might be the 1st scar to my self esteem that will remain forever. (The 1st, as long as i remember, not really sure whether this was really the first scar or not)

Today, just before i wrote this entry, i randomly scrolled through my conversation with that boy back then, just for entertainment purposes. And i'm being reminded once again about the obvious fact, which i've already forgot, but now i remember how that made me feel.

He told me that the boys in his classroom told him the exact same thing as what the girl a.k.a my (used to be) bestfriend told me, that he's too good for me and why would he like me when i'm obviously ugly. And it did make him think for awhile. Salute for the honesty. And again, the words that being told 10 years ago, somehow still found its way to give a pang to my heart even now.

From my junior high school days until i'm at the age of 23 turning 24, people never get bored of reminding me of how ugly i am. I mean, i get it, you dont have to remind me everyday abt it. Oh, how i wish i can respond to each of them like how Anne from Anne with an E respond to that old lady who belittle and body-shaming her. How i wish i have that kind of bravery in me. If i had that kind of bravery and already told people off about how their words makes me feel, maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for me to love myself despite me being me. And maybe, just maybe, people will be more aware of how their words hurt and broke me, and how their words living rent free in my head and my heart.

That's why i've never and i'd never judge one's looks. It's sickening. Besides, this is weird, but it's always easy for me to find a beauty in everyone. Either the beauty in their eyes, their cheeks, their hand, their body proportion, the way they smile. Everyone just looks so... pretty. Meanwhile, i still havent find anything pretty about me, yet. 

I still have lot of stories to write about this, but i think i'll save it for me for now. The fact that i finally able to put this into words and somehow find courage to put this in this entry, is already amazing enough for me to do. You did great.

"Words are born from people's mouths and die in their ears. But some words don't die. They go into people's hearts... and survive." 

(Because This is My First Life)